Some of you know that our oldest daughter and I as her support person are going through DBT Skills Training (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) and have been for almost a year now. This therapy is designed to equip Alex with skills that she can use throughout the rest of her life to deal with emotions, stress, anxiety, etc.
When I first entered this therapy I was nervous, skeptical and doubtful that this would offer everything it promised. I hoped it would help her and give her skills to use, but I had no idea in the process what it would do for me.
All of my life I have suffered with anxiety. As a child, you can ask my Dad or childhood friend what it was like to ride on our Sunday School Bus. It was a drive we did every Sunday, but I cried the whole way there. I loved Sunday School, but always had a racing mind as a child, so I imagined a million horrible thoughts and couldn’t deal with the emotion. This is just 1 example of millions of my childhood anxiety.
As an adult I have come a long way from that child on the Sunday School bus. I have learned how to cope, but through my own developed skills. Some of them work well and some days, they all would fail. As our therapist took us through skill after skill, getting us to both participate in mindfulness exercises, with homework along the way, I discovered that this therapy was helping me as much as Alex.
Along the way I discovered that I had used a number of these skills already unknowingly and not realizing truly how they had worked for me. 16 years ago, I went into labor 6 weeks early and on August 30th, gave birth to our daughter Brianna Lynne. I had an ultrasound 4 days before she was born and everything appeared fine, so I am sure you can imagine the shock that followed when our daughter was born and died roughly 8 hours later.
We did not know it at the time, but Brianna had a liver tumor. I was heart broken. I am sure some of you remember my past blog post where I spoke of how broken and angry I felt. I have had other parents contact me in the past asking how I was able to get through it and have more children. I can honestly say it was not easy. And through this DBT therapy I realized that I did it through Radical Acceptance and God.
I prayed a lot. I always pray, but during that time, I prayed a lot. I needed to talk to God to keep me going. That is one thing I have always known since I was little, whenever I fall and I will fall, he is what can pull me out every time.
Where does Radical Acceptance come in? I realized that through prayer, I allowed myself to feel the emotion and accept it. I was allowed to be angry, sad, upset and broken. That was okay. I wasn’t allowed to stay there though. I didn’t need to feel okay that my daughter had died, but I did need to accept it. Acceptance does not mean approval. And for anyone feeling broken, that is huge to remember.
I had goals in this life, hopes and dreams. And although 1 dream had been broken, that didn’t mean I wasn’t allowed to have more dreams. I wanted a bigger family, I wanted to live this amazing life and although I was angry, I knew when I looked past that anger, those dreams were still there. So Radical Acceptance meant that over and over again I would have to turn my mind back to my goals, accept what had happened, accept the emotions, but keep on living and God gave me the strength to do that.
There will always be days where I think back and feel angry that this happened and wonder what I could have done to change it, but I remind myself that my beautiful daughter is already home. And I will be with her one day, but in the meantime I have goals and dreams that include my other 4 amazing children and soon to be grandson. I have learned so much through this pain and as I have said many times before, it has truly shaped the Mom I am today.
Happy 16th Birthday Brianna! I can smile knowing that you have so much wonderful family celebrating with you! Xoxox
I Dream of Summer 
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